


Loose Lips

by LadyOfSnakes



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Grog's a good bro, Multi, Polyamory, euphemisms i don't think sarenrae would approve of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 02:27:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8038603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOfSnakes/pseuds/LadyOfSnakes
Summary: Percy and Vex don't kiss and tell. Pike, on the other hand...Or, Grog gives Percy a pep talk, whether he needs it or not.





	Loose Lips

Vex and Percy were eating breakfast together in Scanlan's mansion when Pike and Grog came in after their early morning workout. They exchanged "good mornings" and Pike climbed up into the chair next to Vex, pausing only a moment when the ranger draped her arm over the cleric's shoulders. Grog, however, stayed standing.

"Uh, excuse me, Percy? Can you come talk to me for a minute?" The goliath asked, looking like he was trying to show his best manners. "Um, _in private_?"

Percy glanced over at Vex, who looked surprised, and Pike, who looked a little embarrassed. "Of course, Grog. Whatever you need."

He got to his feet to follow Grog out of the room, but then Pike hopped up as well and tugged on Vex's arm. She gave a slightly red smile as she said, "Let's leave them here. Vex, can you braid my hair? That way it won't be in the way while I'm eating."

"Sure, darling," Vex said, standing as well and taking her hand. She planted a kiss on top of Percy's head before they left, though she did look over her shoulder and say, "Grog, be nice to our boyfriend. We want him back in one piece."

Percy, left to his fate, sat down again. Grog sat down across from him and started filling a plate with all the food the ghostly servants had laid out on the table. It was mostly variations on chicken instead of proper breakfast food, though Vex had been able to convince them that since eggs were baby chickens, they would also be appropriate. The two sat in silence for a minute. Grog ate, and Percy pushed food around on his plate, suddenly without an appetite.

"So," Grog finally said, mouth still half-full of food, "You're a lucky man, right? Bangin' both Pike and Vex? An' getting to see 'em bang too. Lucky dog."

"Grog, if this is a lead up to threatening me if I hurt Pike I can assure you--"

Grog doesn't let him finish, shaking his head and interrupting, "Nah. Vex loves Pike so much if you hurt her I don't think I'd find anything left of ya anyway. An' I don't think you want to hurt her. Or Vex either. But you gotta be careful, right, because you got too much going on in there."

He pointed to Percy's forehead, and the length of Grog's arm meant that he very nearly reached all the way over the table to do so. "So don't be gettin' all dark and gloomy and thinkin' you're just shit, because _that's_ what's gonna hurt 'em. My buddy Pike wouldn't want you if you didn't deserve it. She's the smartest."

"Oh." Percy blinked behind his glasses, and couldn't help the small smile that crept across his face. He took another sip of his coffee, and asked "Pike asked you to tell me this, didn't she?"

"Nah. She was just telling me that you an' Vex make her happy. She was smiling all through our drills today, even when I accidentally threw her all the way across the room instead a' half like we were doin'. An' you guys makin' her happy like that's a good thing." Grog grinned broadly, like he usually did when he thought of his best friend. "An' she was tellin' me how much you made her an’ Vex happy last night. How'd you get so fuckin' good at that? You never went to get lady favors with Scanlan and me."

At that time, two things happened. One was that Percy choked on his coffee and began to sputter and cough. The other was that Scanlan appeared, as if summoned by his name or the subject at hand.

"What's wrong, Percy?" Scanlan asked, giving the man a good slap on the back. "Something go down the wrong pipe?"

As the gunslinger coughed, Grog answered for him. "I was just tellin' him that Pike told me he was really good in bed."

Scanlan's eyes lit up, and for a moment it was hard to tell what the gnome was thinking. Perhaps part of him still felt protective over his long-time crush on Vox Machina's cleric, but the part that won was the part that saw just how flushed their friend was getting. "Why, that sounds like a great thing! There's no need to blush like that, Percival. You've been getting good reviews."

"Pike said he blushes a lot an' that it goes aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way down," Grog said, dragging out the 'all' more than Percy really thought necessary.

“Really? What else did she say?” Scanlan climbed up into the seat next to Grog and leaned his elbows on the table, his chin in his hands.

“Please don’t--”

“She said he spent hours on his knees last night,” Grog’s voice lilted up as he smirked; there was no way this was him misreading social cues. “ _Worshipping Sarenrae_.”

“I didn’t know you were so devout, Percival! Just her, or were you at the altar of your other goddess too?”

Apparently, Pike had never heard anything bad about kissing and telling, because Grog continued. “Nah. She said he’d finish one off...”

Scanlan jumped in again, “They accepted his offering.”

“An’ then the other one was ready to go again.” Grog paused for a moment, then looked at Percy curiously. “Doesn’t your jaw hurt?”

“It must, after practicing Celestial all night.” Scanlan was obviously enjoying himself.

If it did, Percy didn’t say, though he did bring his hand up to touch it reflexively. Or maybe it was so he could hide his face, which was now a particularly vibrant shade of scarlet that made his white hair stand out even more starkly. 

And then, because clearly Percy had done something terrible that made him deserve his suffering, Keyleth and Vax walked into the dining hall.

“What’s going on?” Keyleth asked as she took the empty seat beside Percy, where Vex had been sitting only a few minutes ago, before everything had gone downhill.

At the same time, Vax looked around the table and grinned, “Oh, are we tormenting Freddie? What about?”

He sat down beside Keyleth and started filling his own plate, ready to join in.

“Grog heard from Pike that Percy here has a silver tongue.” Scanlan spoke as if this were a completely normal breakfast conversation, though admittedly for him, it might have been.

Grog elbowed the gnome gently enough to only nearly knock him out of his chair, “An’ she said he was using it all night long.”

Vax’s grin dropped suddenly, “No, no, I don’t want to hear about what he says to Pike and my sister when they’re alone.”

“Oh, Percy!” Keyleth said with a giggle, despite the blush that was blooming on her own cheeks. She looped her arm around Percy’s, preventing him from standing and getting away. “Was it _dirty?_ Were you dirty-talking, Percy?”

Grog shook his head, “Nah, see he wasn’t doin’ much talking. Had his mouth full.”

“I’m surprised that he had room for breakfast this morning.” Scanlan added, then looked up at Grog. “Are we doing food euphemisms now? I’m much better at those than the religious ones.”

Before the two could go on another tear, Vax stood up so suddenly his chair clattered to the ground, only to have one of the ethereal servants come to right it. He turned and walked off wordlessly, his hands firmly clamped over his ears. The other four watched him go, Grog and Scanlan amused, Keyleth lost, and Percy wishing he had never left his room that morning.

A few more moments went by before Keyleth’s eyes went wide and her head snapped back to look at her friend. “ _Oh!_ Percy!”

**Author's Note:**

> Because I wanted more Percy giving head in my life and I am the change I wish to see. I am also the one who wrote that whole essay on "Percy is an Atheist." Find me on tumblr at infanttree.tumblr.com and tell me I'm going to all nine of the hells.


End file.
